March 27, 2025

Yesterday, marked another one of those anniversaries, the 16th year marker of my grandma's death. I noticed it today when I went by the cemetery to visit my dad's grave. I had forgotten when it happened until I saw the grave marker. I don't know why that's important. Maybe it isn't. 

Two years, one month and twenty-seven days later and the whole dad thing is finished. Today's the day everything finalized. And I can't begin to describe the level of peace I felt when it finally finished. This enormous weight lifted from my shoulders. And even though the pollen is suffocating, I feel able to breath in and out deep sighs of relief that it is over. 

This is not the ending I thought we would have. I can go further and say that up until three weeks ago, I did not think this amount of peace was possible. I wholly expected there to be a sort of undoing between my youngest sister and I once the ink dried. Up until three weeks ago, I was harboring a secret, one I was not raised to have or proud of having. I knew better but there was something about being validated that had me unable to see the forest for the trees. I harbored resentment towards my sisters about how it all went down. 

I could list the ways I felt shafted in the end of his life, but instead, I'll give you the basics, because in the end, that's all that really matters anyway. Basically, I was the eldest and the closest in locale to my dad, so naturally, I was the main one doing all of the things. The problem arose when resentment crept in. I felt like the others weren't doing their fair share and I was angry. I turned my anger towards them and when the time came to be the one to handle the things, I felt frustrated when questions were asked. I had a chip on my shoulder and even though I tried to hide it, it eventually came bubbling over the surface in a hardened text conversation among sisters. She said some things and I said some things and even though I can see now, that that particular conversation needed to happen, it shouldn't have happened the way it did. 

I blindsided her with my unchecked emotions.  The chip I wore, hidden, under the surface, came across terribly. I'm one of those grown-ups though, that can admit when she's wrong. I wrestled with what I said for about three days before I called her to apologize. She chose to answer the call and what followed was one of the most mature conversations that we had ever had. 

She wasn't the person that I made her out to be in my head. I didn't really know her. All I knew were the parts that I couldn't understand because of the virus that I had let seep between us. The resentment had split us apart. 

That's what resentment and bitterness does. It drives a wedge as lengthy as the grand canyon. It separates good people from greater ones. It's toxicity spreads like cancer, through everything its hatred touches. The divide gets so wide that there's only one path to redemption and it's forgiveness. We will celebrate our most holy of traditions soon (Easter) in that very notion of sacrificial love. It's not about you. It's not about me. It's not about self validation. I've seen it in far too many Christian circles, how bitterness sets in and destroys. 

We must not allow anything to get in our hearts and minds that isn't Christ, because once the gook takes root, we can't always see what it's doing to our relationships. All I could see was what I thought was unfairness and how I needed to be validated and instead of going to the source and taking the time to lift my problem unto God, I turned to gossip. I found someone who could at least pretend to relate. Guys, those are the worst friends to keep in your company. If they'll allow your sin in their presence, what else are they allowing when you are not in the room? 

The truth is, my dad made choices that affected his life. Those choices led to consequences of his own making. My sisters were merely bystanders to the havoc his choices created. I made choices too, albeit, the wrong ones. 

God's timing is perfect. The lessons we learn, He puts in our paths so that His glory outshines our shortcomings. He prepares us for the tasks that we can't foresee. Every challenge is a chance to lean on the One who ultimately transforms and restores. I honestly couldn't see how to get past my bitterness and here we are a month past, and my relationship with my sister is the best it's ever been. My hope is for those that would choose to latch on to their hatred and bitterness, would see the truth, that it's not getting you closer to God, but pushing you further across the divide. 

There is healing. There is hope, but we must be open to our part in our own demise. We must forgive. Resentment is never the answer.