April 18, 2025

I haven’t published anything in almost two months, not because I’ve had nothing to say, but because I’ve had this overwhelming notion to remain quiet. I’d begun a Bible reading project and I’m 108 days in, and it's incredible to me how I’ve already noticed some changes. While I still haven’t found the necessity of a certain aging politician, and I don’t think that I will, I have found that there were things that I once believed about myself that I no longer do.  

I was the quiet one. It’s how my teachers and those that only knew me in passing, would describe me. Back then, it was more about appearing perfect. My innate awkwardness would remain undetected (or so I thought) if I kept silent. No one could say I was stupid if I kept silent. The mean girls might find a reason to like me, if I kept silent. The boy I had a crush on, might actually want to date me, if I kept silent. 

I don’t know where all of this anxiety came from. I’ve since been cured of my shyness and I’ve often wondered about it. I think therapy definitely made a difference in that department of realizing that I have plenty to say and I think that reaching my 40’s helped solidify that I frankly don’t care what others think about me anymore. Finding a community of women who wanted my opinion was helpful as well. 

Journaling and writing fiction helped me in practicing socialization and finding my voice. This blog has helped in grieving my father’s death and the other writing helped me remain sober, by letting me escape to faraway places. I don’t condone daily escapism, but I guess it’s okay as long as you know you have a place to come home to. 

I started this task with an openness that I felt was important in order to complete it and I’ve found that this has made the most difference in my journey. Reading through the Bible has taught me to listen. It has taught me to not reply so quickly to things that only seem pressing. Not everything that distracts is an emergency. Quite the opposite, in fact. I’m learning that sometimes the best response is none at all. 

I have a friend who shares similar attributes as me. She’s tall. She wears glasses, she’s soft spoken and she’s a fraternal twin mom. We met back in 2022 when we were both members of a homeschool co-op in Lancaster, South Carolina. I don’t know that it was all our similarities that brought us together. I think on the surface, maybe, but we’ve been friends since that year and even after we left that co-op. She’s seen me through my sobriety and she’s the type of person that when you call out of the blue, you just pick right back up where you left off. I haven’t tried to be anyone but myself with her and I think that’s made the most difference with all of my adult relationships. I guess when you get older you just don’t care to be anybody but yourself because it’s too exhausting to be anybody else. 

This friend of mine taught me an important lesson once. She said that when we respond to those asking us to do something,  it’s quite okay to respond back with, “I’ll think about it,” or “I’ll let you know.” We don’t have to readily commit or respond with a yes or a no. It’s better  to wait and consider. I must admit, that even since that conversation, I’ve not always waited but I can confidently report that when I didn’t wait, I almost always regretted the decision that I made. 

Another point to note about this consideration period is that the people asking you to commit, might not have your best interest in mind, and won’t like that you made them wait, but that’s a surefire way to test their motives. They may spread rumours behind your back and that’s okay too. That shows everybody their ignorance and immaturity. 

I think about my friend’s advice on the daily when I have to make decisions about our homeschool co-op. She was a leader too, a good one, and if I’m half the leader she was, that’s saying something, but she isn’t my only mentor who has taught me about being prayerfully quiet. I have another friend who fits the bill too.

This friend struck up a conversation with me during a mom’s lounge at the Kershaw Homeschool Co-op and that’s where it all began. Our boys play together, even though mine are a little older than her youngest. She, however, has always shown the quiet and devout spirit of Jesus. She’s soft spoken and genuine. If something is bothering you, she’ll initiate a hug, followed by a sincere, “Are you okay?” Then, she’ll listen as you speak and she won’t say “I’ll pray for you,” but “Let’s pray about it, now,” and we do. I met her in 2023, when I was still a drunk and she has never once treated me differently from the moment we met. I personally think that speaks volumes to her character. 

When I’m upset, I tend to veer towards the version of Jesus that flipped the tables. I say what I mean, without much thought of how the person will receive it. I’m honest but I definitely could bring it down a notch. My first response is never, “slow to anger, slow to speak, etc,” but since I’ve been making the Bible my priority for the last hundred or so days, I’ve noticed that my spirit seems quieter. Not because I can’t tell someone off, because I’m frightened or that conflict makes me bristle, but because I have nothing to add. Their anger, hurt, pride, ignorance, whatever caused them to be furious, speaks for itself. I have nothing to counteract their anger but peace. Forgiveness, understanding. All things that have seemed to me to be pretty impossible to just obtain naturally. That is, until now. 

I’m not saying this to pat myself on the back, the contrary is true. (And just this morning, I spoke my mind, and I'm not saying you can't do that from time to time. Sometimes it's necessary.) I’m saying that I’m not who I was when I started this journey and I think I understand now. The Bible is a living breathing thing and it breathes life into your life, if you let it. 

Obviously, it helps to have amazing women surrounding you that help uplift, pray and support and there's one more mentor I'm going to mention, because she doesn’t get the right amount of credit that she deserves. This friend has been my friend for the last 18 or so years. She knew me when I was a complete mess and she still loves me. Those are the friends you keep forever. She has been my go-to since I was a young parent. She’s the epitome of that verse from Titus 2 that talks about the older women training the young women to love their husbands and children, to model good works and in her teaching, “show integrity, dignity and sound speech that cannot be condemned.”  She’s sat and listened to all the many stupid things that I did and said, but she’s the iron that will sharpen iron and everyone needs one of those. I’d like to think I keep her on her toes too, but that might just be wishful thinking. She has taught me what it means to lead with integrity and to stand before adversity and still shine. She speaks up and says the things that need to be said, but she says them carefully and with lots of thought. She's taught me that when ministry gets hard, God never falters. She brushes her shoulders off, and doesn't take it personal when the enemy comes to try and tear things down.

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The truth is, I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it weren’t for the incredible women that have gone before me and poured into me in some form or fashion, but they are only as good as God is, in their lives. It’s a beautiful thing to be loved by exceptional Christ loving women. I could name more and that is what makes this moment in my life so exceptional, but these are my top three and they’ll probably hate that I brought them out to the light for all to see, because they’re humble, but they’ve all taught me how to live peacefully and in the presence of the King. (If you hear any different, I’d wholeheartedly question the source.)

They’ve also experienced really hard things. I’m not going to share their stories, but trust me, they didn’t just become amazing, they were tested and given trials that most would flee from. The point is, they learned how to lean in and let God do the heavy lifting. Then, they poured themselves into someone like me, so completely undeserving and that is the whole point of everything. That’s how we make it through this crazy life that we live. 

They didn’t ask for this appreciation post but here it is, nonetheless. Thank you for being an example and for never giving up on me. I love you all so very much and I mean it. Each of you have played a very important part in getting me here. I’m going to do my best to pass it along and pay it forward. 

Ministry isn’t easy. It’s this cup that sometimes I think would be better passed to someone stronger but then I remember that He calls us in service of Him and we accept wholeheartedly because that’s what it’s about.