I don't recognize the world anymore. A veil was lifted and some things just feel futile now and I worked myself into a tizzy and my anxiety took over and I literally made myself sick. My head was pounding and I thought maybe it was the beginnings of a sinus infection. I hadn't slept well in a few days even with my magical magnesium. I wasn't the only one. My youngest hasn't slept well in weeks, and who can blame him? His OCD spins him out much like my anxiety does. We are like zombies walking around, never quite being able to catch up and then when the night comes, the troubling thoughts begin. I have spent the last few months with my mind in disarray as I have struggled to find the words to say. Throw on the latest chaos we must endure as Americans from the King of Chaos, our executive leader in chief and is it any wonder that there were sleepless nights? 

My husband told me that the world needs sensitive people like me, who can feel the earth's groanings and hurts like they are their own, because it keeps the perspective clear and it helps move others into position for what comes next. I am passionate about people and it's funny that people exhaust me sometimes. I can show up and be outgoing for a time, but once it's over, I literally crash out. I love helping and serving but it takes so much energy. I need quiet and to be alone when the meter runs out. The crash out came yesterday afternoon, as it often does the day before homeschool co-op. 

Our co-op is great and has phenomenal people. I could call any one of those women and they would come to my rescue in a moment's notice, and I would in turn do the same for them, but the time when I was on the lead team, stressed me out to an unreasonable place. I was having panic attacks, not able to hold space for this person or that person or that thing or whatever "important" decision needed to be made next. It was a lot. The meetings were long, the group texts were longer and I'm not blaming anyone or anything, I'm just sharing how I got to a place where I felt that I was simply not cut out for it. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm not cut out for this world either. It's just so much and it feels really unsafe. You can't turn on a screen without being bombarded with lots and lots of things. I feel this complete and utter need to go back home and to be my best from the safety of my magical corner of the world. I have struggled with knowing what to say about it all from this platform. Magic in the woods, implies wonder and cherished moments and it seemed silly to write stories about our home adventures when Renee Good was shot in the face and killed for helping her neighbors. She was a mom in a minvan and I saw myself in her. I know for a fact, that I would have done the same thing for my immigrant neighbors, had I been given the chance and to watch her gunned down in front of her wife and hear her screams and for people to say it was justified (?) just broke my heart. Anyone who has half a brain knows that our justice system has been broken for a long time, but there were still checks and balances. There was still due process. I guess, to see it broken in real time, gave me a sense of desperation. 

She wasn't the first, nor will she be the last and I've known who this administration embodied since 2015 when I was more outspoken and having public disagreements with local prominent pastors about how he could be the pick. As an American Christian woman, who grew up "being a good little girl," smiling at the men, so they would be able to mask their insecurities, having men in my life who just took, took, and took from a little girl who just wanted to be loved, having men grab me and call me grotesque names when I refused their advances, just being a woman in this male dominated, immorally corrupt world, I learned early on that men are allowed to do whatever without consequence, especially if it involves women or girls, because "boys will be boys." 

The Trump Administration embodies that alpha-male mentality and of course it makes sense that so many would 'like' him, because it's just the sinful world we live in. Like, I get it, and even though I understand why and how it has a lot to do with a generation of men who were taught crying is sissy, inantimate objects like tractors, guns, and lifting weights are a great substitution for therapy, and empathy is for pansies, it still makes me incredibly sad that we can't have a good government that works for all of its members. It has been my hope that we would reach a place in America, where government was for all people, not just the elites, nostalgic whites, and fundamentalists. America should work for everyone.

Politics aside, the biggest disconnect for me, is what we were taught how to treat others our whole lives in Christian churches across America and now it is being directly challenged by the decimating of social programs that help the very people the Bible taught us to look after. We were taught that character matters, and then watched our pastors, parents, and mentors turn towards the big bully and claim he was God's chosen, much like the rhetoric we are hearing now, 10 years later, about this Iranian war being a holy war. There's nothing holy about American politics or America for that matter. One comprehensive walk through history and you realize pretty quickly who the bad people are. Slavery, the Trail of Tears, any of the school shootings of the last 4 decades; America's history is rife with terrible things, no different than any other conquering country made up of human beings. We are the worst of the animal kingdom. We are hateful and mean, we'd rather see our neighbor suffer than give up an ounce of the pie and we murder one another like it's a hobby. That part is biblical, that we are inherently sinful.

 The other part that saddens me is how so many Christians can't see the truth, right in front of their faces. It is an unfortunate construct of our nation, that there are only 2 major political parties. This lie began recently that one is more 'Christian' than the other and that those who vote one way are this and those that vote the other way are that, spurring this deep-seated division among us, but the truth is, this was a lie constructed to keep us in bondage under the true leadership of this nation and those before it, the elite and powerful people who don't care about anything but their ungodly ba'al worship of themselves and the demons that roam the globe. We were never truly free and that is why when Christ came and spoke of freedom, he meant the kind only found in him, as a counterpoint to those who would sell you a version catered to what you think you already have. None of us are truly free in this world. We are chained by the seasons, the wars, the food supply, the water supply, the air space, the issue that everything can be bought and everything has a price. We are not free in America and our black and brown American sisters and brothers have known this truth the entire time. 

No politican, political party, human being, or object can give you what you think you need. It is direcly bearing false witness against God to claim otherwise. Democrats aren't demonic, nor are Republicans, Socialists or Communists, etc. Those are only ideas, within which actual people, made in the image of God, reside. Humans with hearts and minds and families who just want to live in peace. The divisioin placed upon us by the elites is demonic as they watch us in chaos and continue their pursuit of power, while the rest of us suffer.

 If you are a "christian" and you believe that some people deserve less than you, I would encourage you to reread the Gospels. The great falling away is happening in plain sight and while you are stuck on a talking point that some facebook bot put out there, hell laughs as it gains another soul.

I feel this great sadness for all of us--globally. War is never the answer. Take one glance at our military's capabilities and you can understand quite quickly just how terrible we are to one another. Men sitting behind desks, too old to fight their own battles, push buttons and administer orders that get our babies killed and for what? Not for me. Not for you. Not for freedom, but so they can feel powerful and 'win.'  Are there ever truly any winners in war? 

I don't want to lose my children to this war. I worry about a draft, My fear is that this war is going nowhere and is being led by someone who gets off on power and suffering. I read Project 2025 and knew this would happen, I just hoped for different and I still do. I think that this is the end of an era and it's doing whatever it can to escalate and cling to whatever power it thinks it has left. But I read the end of the book. This false gospel isn't going to win. 

I am going to do everything that I can to share the real gospel of Jesus Christ. He wasn't power hungry and he wasn't self-serving and he loved women. He lifted those that were treated less than. Hope is not lost. It is the sun shining warmth on my children's faces. It is the happy sounds of birds chirping amongst one another out my open windows. It is chopping carrots and bagging vegetables and slicing chicken breasts to meal-prep for the week. It is a slow morning with a homemade lavendar latte in hand. It is receiving new books for next year's homeschool, retrieved by a fast and furious jaunt on the 4-wheeler. Hope is my girls reading the same book and chatting about it over breakfast. It's a full-night of sleep for my youngest guy and a new D&D campaign with my eldest, that he's planning with friends. Hope is succeeding after failing and getting back up to face each new day with wonder. Hope is this blog and those we care about and that care about us, that send a message to check on us when we are absent from our usual Thursday spot. It's freshcut flowers and homecooked meals. It's a fire and plans for the future. 

Do good and don't give up. Let's remember what we are fighting for and who we are actually fighting. My plan is to continue this blog with the addition of resources that you can use to protest elite dark forces and to help regular fellow humans.