December 12, 2023


Hey, friends. Here is some unsolicited advice that you may not get anywhere else. You don’t have to allow disrespect to continue. Do yourself a favor and set a boundary, so that you will get out of your stagnant depression of people-pleasing and self-loathing. Step out into the light and be who God has called you to be.


You can’t be what everyone else wants. Well, you can try, but you are just going to end up miserable! Trust me. I wasted a lot of time trying to measure up, when what I should have been doing is looking up and in, and stepping out from under the weight of unmet expectations to live the life God planned for me.  


You will not be everyone’s cup of tea, nor will you be loved and cherished by all. You will not be treated fairly and your expectations will go unmet. You can’t expect flawed humans to meet you with respect and gratitude, but you can determine how you allow people into your life, how much time to give them, how much emotional and mental space they take, and how to respond to them.  People will disappoint. How many "chances" you give someone is up to you. 


In my case, there were lots of chances, before I asked myself, "What even is our relationship?" Why am I allowing this behavior to continue? Do I like this? Do I look forward to these feelings of devastation when after we get together, it feels like I have been picked a part by every inanimate microcosm that my body performed? (My face, y'all. I cannot control the RBF.) Clearly, I am unliked in this partnership. Why keep coming back, thinking it will be different, when nothing ever changes?


I engaged in weeks of therapy/journaling sessions and some inner deep-divings so that I could understand why I feel guilty when I absolutely go against what I want, to make everyone else happy. Why do I care more about pleasing everyone else but myself??? I could tell you what I came up with but I digress. 


I've been told I was too sensitive, and that I needed to act more like an adult, and forgive and forget, when I challenged the status quo. I've sat through more relational discomfort this past year than I am comfortable with. After leaving three events in tears and vowing I would never put myself in those spaces ever again, I somehow managed to end up in those very same spots because I was told to just suck it up and give people what they want.


No, thank you. 


I am no longer shrinking. I am not going to play by the rules if that means I can't be who I am. I do not owe anyone anything that is going to cause me internal pain. I will not be the one who fixes things that were never in my possession to fix in the first place. If you do not like this, that is okay with me. I have nothing to prove and I am okay with not being friends. 


This past year has taught me a lot about what I am capable of carrying and what I must put down. To the detriment of myself, my family and my values is not, nor will ever again, be a reason to do anything. I have learned that when callous voices supersede the voice of God, it is time to change course. 


You must set boundaries.


Setting boundaries is hard, because those with whom you are trying to seek some semblance of appropriate normalcy with will push back with everything they have in an attempt to keep the ruse going. They liked you better when you didn't demand accountability. They were comfortable in your efforts to keep the peace all those years before, and it’s simply hard for them to explain your absence to others. You will become the villain in their stories, "but--take heart! I have overcome the world"--John 16:33. Profound encouragement from the One who knows true hurt. 


It’s time to stop excusing the ugly that seeps into our minds and souls and causes such detriment to our very beings. We were created for the purpose and in the image of Christ. Full stop. Cruelty is not the way of Christ. You don’t need anyone to prop you up or tear you down, and the truth is, you never did. 


For decades, the idea that because they’re family has been a piss-poor reason to stay in unhealthy patterns. You can’t reconcile when there’s no accountability. When the idea is to keep the peace no matter what to soothe those whose insecurities have kept the entire dynamic in bondage, that is not the sign of a healthy relationship. 


God called us to be peace-makers, not peace-keepers. 

Family estrangement is trending now, and it irks me, because I believe in the importance of healthy family dynamics as God intended. Each in our roles that compliment one another and exalt a loving God, but you can't expect these guidelines to be met when the dynamic in of itself is wrought with generations of gunk that has been passed down; from addiction to emotional issues, to the many idiosyncrasies that swallow us up and guide us along. While the argument is often made that no one is perfect, so adjust accordingly, the "remedy" is often lowered expectations which only prolong and silence opportunities for healthy growth in the relationship.

Ideally, conversations need to happen. Empathy and understanding should enter the chat. Possibly a mediator of some sort, to keep everyone on topic, like a pastor or a counselor. Patience is needed and accountability. Otherwise, boundaries. You can't force anyone into peace. Adults make choices and there are consequences. 

So what then, does one do moving forward? We pray for and work towards peace and live our lives the way God intended us to. We will not waste another second dimming our sparkle because (insert whoever) says we should. We don't care what they think. They no longer get to dictate what we do. They must earn back a seat at our tables. We weep for our loss and accept what is true, and as Christians, we love them from afar and hope for reconciliation. 

Take care of yourself and lean into Jesus, this holiday season. With love, Jess