June 4, 2026
I probably shouldn't write on my public blog tonight, but I feel like it, so, here I am.
I'm not exactly sure what to say, though.
I'm not sure I have any encouragement. I think I'm about all dried out in that sense. The truth is, I am tired. Some might say bone-tired. I have been this way for a long time and is there a date I could say that was the very beginning of this exhaustion? No, not really. I've given it a lot of thought--too much thought--and I'm not sure I have anything worth saying, that I haven't said before.
I really hope they don't find cancer next week. I've got two appointments. One with a surgeon on Monday and one with a different surgeon on Thursday. Two appointments. One scare. Two types of possibility. Oh, and a class project in a class I despise, due that Friday. It should be an exciting week. My husband starts his new commute next Monday, too.
It's kinda absurd, but we went looking at townhomes in Rock Hill a few weeks ago, because we thought, "Hey, Lil is gonna be driving to school and J is gonna be driving to Charlotte, so let's just buy another place and live there for a little while, until we decide not to or want to turn around and rent it out." We actually toured some and it felt wrong the entire time. You know what also felt wrong? Switching jobs. I don't know if it was all my recent compounded diagnoses and the amazing insurance Teamcare provides, or something else entirely ... (there is major sarcasm occurring. The humor is drrrryyyyyyy tonight)
Moving? No. Changing jobs? No. Jess getting a job? No. Quit homeschooling? Nah.
Plenty of people commute. I guess we just remember a time when the kids were small and J was having to travel further and further away because recessions and construction don't mix and I was essentially a single parent and it sucked. The kids are older now and a lot has changed and we have options that we didn't have before and things are different. We are different. We aren't so fragile as a couple.
We will make it work and get through it because you don't throw 20 years away because UPS decides to make a really stupid decision. Maybe UPS is on its way out, ya know? Who knows anything anymore? Every day something comes out and I don't even flinch. I just don't care. I went from super-caring to just so tired with every new buzzword, breaking news clip, info-reel, alien sighting, etc. I don't care anymore. I mean, what actual difference does it make? America is a joke. full stop. And maybe we always had been. And two more years? Gross.
I made it political. Oh, well. How can one not, when we are five days out from the official election with all of the ridiculous political ads non-stop? Gross. We get it. You are this and you are that. Blah, blah, blah. You are all the same.
Oh, and there's one more thing. The stress has caused a muscle spasm in my neck. Because I guess, the exhaustion and exhertion of years worth of being everything to everyone has finally caught up with me. It's official. I'm falling apart. And I ask myself sometimes, was it worth it? And the answer is no. It was not. I should have taken better care of myself. I should've worn sunscreen. I shouldn't have tried to drown myself in liquor. I should have gotten therapy wayyyyy earlier and I should have had better in other areas but I got what I got and I did what I did and there is nothing I can do about the past now, just today and the next and the next and the next, and be thankful that I have this moment with all its stupidity and annoyance and pain and weight. Today will end and tomorrow, I will try again.
Like I stated, I probably shouldn't have written tonight, lol, but if I've learned anything since 2021, it is that there is no real good reason to pretend and push the truth of how we feel to the side or below or away. That doesn't help, it only prolongs the hurt. It is best to speak it, bring it front and center, take its hand and walk with it until we can walk away and leave it behind.
I guess that's where I am tonight, still walking with it, carrying it until it's time to put it down. The Killer's, My Own Soul's Warning, is the song on now and it seems appropriate. "Oh, I tried running from the memory and the mourning, but the penalty kept on pouring." Good stuff. I wish I could write stuff like that.
More random: Sufjan Stevans is great. Chicago is my favorite. Always puts me in a good mood. Rooster is a fantastic show. Steve Carrell, so I mean, obviously. ADHD moment and fun fact: The two random statements above are connected. Sufjan's song Chicago is part of Steve's movie, Little Miss Sunshine, also one of my top movies. And this is my brain. Not on drugs, if you can believe it.
PS: I hope you got something from this little rant. Maybe you can fake happiness better than I can and if not, it's okay. I think being fake is the worst. So, anyway. Here's to all the real ones. We will figure it out eventually. Good night.